Anderson "Old Money" Cooper vs. Lindsay "Young Money" Lohan

Y'all gotta see this -ish right here!

I know this isn't the freshest sotry, but it’s still too deep not to discuss.

Why?

Because this is more than somebody insulting some random celebrislut or a reality show. This is American social studies in action. In fact, I say this clip should be required viewing for all social studies majors in both high school and college. (It’s also one of the funniest  clips I’ve seen all year.)

Now, when you watch Mr. AC360 stick and move like Ali on these folks, you gotta understand where the cat is swinging from—and I don't mean the obvious, Captain-Global-Conflict-Whore–gibberish that Kelly Ripa is pumping him up with. I'm talking about the dude's perspective.

In case you didn’t know, Anderson Cooper comes from old money. As in "universities-hospitals-and- museums-named-after-you" money. As in “old white folks’ money.” As “my-money’s-money-has-a-buncha- money-that’s-got-more-money-than-everybody-you'll-ever-know-put-together” money.

In short, Anderson Cooper is a Vanderbilt.

Now before you say “Gloria, great dresses, etc.” nevermind his momma. When I say Vanderbilt, I’m talking great granddaddy Cornelius Vanderbilt, who’s been declared to be the 10th richest person in history. Hell, the Vandy's are still top 7 all-time. Simply put, out of all the billions and billions of folks that have ever walked the face of planet earth—ain’t but 6 of ‘em got more money than your clan.

So AC360 is like Anderson Cooper’s version of playing golf—he does it ‘cuz it’s fun, it gets him out of the house and hey, what the hell else is he gonna do all day... shop?

That’s why when Anderson Cooper goes off on the Lohan clan, specifically, Dina Lohan and Lindsay. it's a special level of going off. This is Old Money, telling Young Money, “You're an embarrassment to success. You're an embarrassment to class and cream. You're effin' up the game you triflin' New Money clowns."

When Anderson Cooper calls Dina Lohan a “horrific person,” he’s saying, “Y’all are so beneath us, that I wouldn’t let you cut my gardener’s grass.” And if anybody knows about jacked up families, it's Anderson. Gloria was nuts; pops and grandpa were ruthless. His brother committed suicide while dude was young... Anderson's dating--oops, nevermind...

Point is, AC's been there done that.

The difference between Old Money and New Money is Old Money don't do reality shows. Old Money don't show their ass for TMZ and YouTube for all the world to see. Old Money has "cooth". Old Money keeps it on the hush. Old Money gets old by doing lots of laundry and keeping quiet till everybody forgets how dirty it really was when it was young.

Now, I know what you're thinking:

Sure, the Hiltons have been losing blue-hairs for the last 5 years now. But remember three things: (1) Paris' momma married into the Hilton crew, so that apple feel from a different tree. Momma Hilton was Dina before Dina. (Kathy Hilton's a retired debutante who's been trying to be rich and famous since her beauty queen days. So her kids, if anything, learned to be trampy paper-chasers from her.) (2) Granddady Baron pulled Paris' card a while back. She won't end up wiatin' tables but if she wants to have paper into her AARP years, she's gonna end up cuttin' coupons.

So again, Old Money shuts the eff up while Young Money clowns, "Look at me!"

Now, back to Dina. Watch how AC delivers it—it’s a detached, laid-back-on-a-deckchair-on-a-yacht-in- an-ascot-with- foreign-servant’s-sniper-fire blast. He’s lacing this whole reality genre from a perch that most folks aren’t even aware exists.

Anderson's saying the same stuff most of us say about celebrities, but we don't have the clock-tower he's  shooting from so our snipes don't hold any weight. But this stuff? Oh it's genius.

"She's not even in the show so somehow her mother got a show...but they constantly refer to this person who's not even in the SHOW...hoping that Lindsay will show up but til then we're stuck with these horrific people."

Sick 'em, Miss Thing!

Like I said, this is all about Old Money looking down on the Just-Got-Paids and saying, "Money don't buy class."

Now I'm guessing that some of AC’s Old Money people are probably a little upset with him; because to even discuss “those people” is so beneath him and by extension them, that he should be aloof enough and disciplined enough to let it slide. So no doubt they're having words with him over tea about all this.

Now understand, if this were anybody else with a show—TMZ, Bill O'Reilly, Keith Olberman, Perez Hilton, Nancy Grace, I mean anybody—you’d have Denise Richards, the Lohan family, the Project Runway producers would be lining up to curse 'em out on YouTube and Larry King and any other outlet imaginable.

But this is Mr. 360. You don't mess with people like this.This cat knows people that will buy the network just to kick you off the air. And while they'd never acknowledge you enough to waste the energy, fact is, when they hit you, you won't even feel it till its too late.

White-on-White class warfare is beyond entertaining in my book. Because it's never this public before, not in this YouTube age. But man, i hope all that changes with the quickness.

I wanna see the Hiltons (including Paris and Nicky) and the Rockefellers slap boxing on YouTube. I wanna see a Vanderbilt snatching off Donald Trump's hairpiece. I wanna see one of J.P. Morgan's seeds get into it with Madonna. Maybe Baltazaar Getty will get drunk and air out half of Hollywood in Vanity Fair. Maybe one of the remaining Carnegie's will call out Mark Cuban or Bill Gates for no good reason at all...

Oh, one can only hope. The entertainment and educational possibilities are endless.

Meanwhile, I'd settle for Anderson Cooper replacing that annoying AJ Hammer guy; then we could give ol' AC a fifth of Jack Daniels, a comfy chair and a loud mic and allow him to sling heatrocks at pop culture slugs for an hour each week. (‘Cuz you know he got some more ammo.)

"Maybe it's in the episode we didn't see."

Like I said, You know he's got some more ammo.

It would be sweet vengeance for all us unwashed masses. (Plus, the ratings would be huge.)