Ironman Sucked Rusty Butt!!
Saw Ironman the other night.
Sucked.
I'm sorry but it did. Here's my reasons why:
"Tony Starks" vs. "Tony Stark."
$100 million budget and they can’t figure out how to spell the guy’s name. It’s either Stark or Starks. Pick one and stick with it.
No Ghostface Killah.
Not a cameo. Not a song. Not even a random punk kid extra bumpin’ Daytona 500 on his iPod while Ironman blows up stuff around him.
Gwyneth Paltrow as Penny.
GP might be the whiniest, sickliest most sad-faced, self-hating looking human being in the history of entertainment. And no one knows quite why. She’s white, thin, rich, has/had connected parents, random fans and mags fawn all over her, Oprah likes her, yet she’s still whiny-looking.
Eat a sandwich and stop whining, GP! Our lives should be as rough as yours.
Terrorist Villians.
I get it. There’s terrorists in the middle east. Some of them live in caves. Some of them hate Americans and Westerners. I get it, already. For the umpteenth movie, I effin’ get it. Muhammed and Ahkmed are evil and it’s “us” vs. “them”. I submit.
But terrorists kidnapping Tony Starks—even at the behest of Starks’ CEO—was just stupid. And bigoted.
Jeff as "Obie."
Stupid name. Obediah? Even dumber. How can you take any co-villian whose name sounds like a Nick, Jr. character or a Amish magician seriously? Too bad; because Jeff Bridges was actually quite good in this role. He needs to work more.
The Power Core.
Yeah, it’s a comic book. Yeah it's fantasy. Yeah, it’s not possible. But no, it still needs to make some sense.
You don’t do the equivalent of a heart transplant in a cave with smelting and soldering equipment. Best part of Ironman is the that the electromagnetic power core was not only a metaphor for heartlessness and perverse strength of corporations, but that it had to do with dude’s illness.
Instead we get shrapnel in the bloodstream, some random dude who just so happens to be a surgeon in a cave when Stark is there and blah, blah, blah...
Far as I'm concerned, IronMan blew.
But the Upside:
Cool suit. Stunningly cool in fact. Almost worth bidding for on eBay. And Robert Downey, Jr. was pretty good.
In honor of a crappy big movie, here’s what could’ve been:
